Sassy Shakespeare: My favorite one-liners

There's a lot of these "Shakespearean insult generator" memes out there, where you choose one item from each column to create a sufficiently archaic-sounding verbal poo-fling. Gems such as "gleeking knotty-pated harpy" or "puking beef-witted apple-john" or "yeasty tardy-gaited moldwarp." Most of these sound more like Harry Potter incantations than insults.

As giggle-inducing as some of them are, they aren't genuine, actual lines from the plays. And after you'e heard some of the more pointed and exotic barbs, you begin to find it a tragedy that these colorful words and phrases aren't used more today. For example, I was irrationally tickled that the word "clotpole" is often utilized in one of my favorite BBC series: Merlin. Lear used it, as did Guderius in Cymbeline. Having encountered it before, and read about its very bawdy origins, I gasped when I heard it uttered in such a family-friendly TV show. Of course, no one outside an English Lit professor would normally pick up on it.

But it's not just the bawdy stuff I love. It's the clever throw-away lines and the chronically taken-out-of-context quotes that I've highlighted throughout my Complete Works that I feel could be useful in everyday conversation. Enjoy!

"I like this place, And willingly could waste my time in it."
--Celia, "As You Like It," Act II, Sc. IV

"You do assist the storm."
--Boatswain, "The Tempest," Act I, Sc. I

"In nature, there's no blemish but the mind; None can be call'd deform'd but the unkind."
--Antonio, "Twelfth Night," Act III, Sc. IV

"Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall..."
--Escalus, "Measure for Measure," Act II, Sc. I

"Scratching could not make it worse and 'twere such a face as yours were."
--Beatrice, "Much Ado About Nothing, Act I, Sc. I

"This is the fruit of rashness!"
--Gloster, "King Richard III," Act II, Sc. II

"He that loves to be flattered is worthy of the flatterer."
--Apemantus, "Timon of Athens," Act I, Sc. I

"For defect of judgment Is oft the cure of fear." 
--Belarius, "Cymbeline," Act. IV, Sc. II

"O, pardon me; For when no friends are by, men praise themselves."
--Lucius, "Titus Andronicus," Act V, Sc. III

"Where's hourly trouble for a minute's ease."
--Helicanus, "Pericles, Prince of Tyre," Act II, Sc. IV

"No sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir; but I do bite my thumb, sir."
--Sampson, "Romeo and Juliet," Act. I, Sc. I

"Most spend their mouths when what they seem Runs far before them."
--Dauphin, "King Henry V," Act II, Sc. IV

"Unquiet meals make ill digestions."
--Abbess, "The Comedy of Errors," Act V, Sc. I

"More matter with less art."
--Queen, "Hamlet," Act II, Sc. II

"Trifles light as air Are to the jealous confirmation strong As proofs of holy writ."
--Iago, "Othello," Act III, Sc. III

"...didst thou ever hear that things ill got had ever bad success?"
--King Henry VI, "3 King Henry VI," Act II, Sc. II

"'Tis no sin for a man to labour in his vocation."
--Falstaff, "1 King Henry IV," Act I, Sc. II

Why, I have not another tear to shed

Family dismemberment. For reals.

Titus Andronicus is everyone's favorite bloodbath, am I right? I mean, Macbeth's got a load of dead bodies and blood, Hamlet's got quite the body count, and all the histories have beheadings and what-not, but only Titus has the benefit of an eminently unforgettable Julie Taymor treatment (let's just pretend The Tempest never happened... I have no idea what went wrong there, but it was almost everything). I felt thoroughly debauched by my first viewing of Titus in college, and I only picked this speech because it contained references to everything I remember most about the movie: hands and heads and love and war.

The thing about Titus is that while he's another power-driven Roman army bloke like Coriolanus or Antony, he is more likable because he is even more flawed. He's an old, proud grouch, but not without reason; 21 of his 25 sons have died in war. He makes bad decisions in the name of family honor (namely, he goes along with the tyrannical moron Saturninus' election as next Emperor of Rome and husband to his daughter, Lavinia, even though Bassanius is the better candidate on both fronts). He kills his son Mutius when he objects to his ideas. He shows no mercy for Tamora (Queen of the Goths) and her sons, which leads the lascivious boys to later rape and disfigure Lavinia.

Despite all this, Titus still has our sympathy, because he suffers through his mistakes, shows his regrets, and loves his young son Lucius and unfortunate daughter very much. Yes, he pretty much loses it in the end--playing a homicidal Emeril Lagasse won't get him a show on Food Network--but his twisted means of culinary revenge is one worthy of Hannibal Lecter. 

Titus Andronicus, Act III, Sc. I
Titus: Why, I have not another tear to shed: 
Besides, this sorrow is an enemy, 
And would usurp upon my watery eyes 
And make them blind with tributary tears: 
Then which way shall I find Revenge's cave? 
For these two heads do seem to speak to me, 
And threat me I shall never come to bliss 
Till all these mischiefs be return'd again 
Even in their throats that have committed them. 
Come, let me see what task I have to do. 
You heavy people, circle me about, 
That I may turn me to each one of you, 
And swear unto my soul to right your wrongs. 
The vow is made. Come, brother, take a head; 
And in this hand the other I will bear. 
Lavinia, thou shalt be employ'd:
Bear thou my hand, sweet wench, between thy teeth. 
As for thee, boy, go get thee from my sight; 
Thou art an exile, and thou must not stay:  
Hie to the Goths, and raise an army there: 
And, if you love me, as I think you do, 
Let's kiss and part, for we have much to do.