Sassy Shakespeare: My favorite one-liners

There's a lot of these "Shakespearean insult generator" memes out there, where you choose one item from each column to create a sufficiently archaic-sounding verbal poo-fling. Gems such as "gleeking knotty-pated harpy" or "puking beef-witted apple-john" or "yeasty tardy-gaited moldwarp." Most of these sound more like Harry Potter incantations than insults.

As giggle-inducing as some of them are, they aren't genuine, actual lines from the plays. And after you'e heard some of the more pointed and exotic barbs, you begin to find it a tragedy that these colorful words and phrases aren't used more today. For example, I was irrationally tickled that the word "clotpole" is often utilized in one of my favorite BBC series: Merlin. Lear used it, as did Guderius in Cymbeline. Having encountered it before, and read about its very bawdy origins, I gasped when I heard it uttered in such a family-friendly TV show. Of course, no one outside an English Lit professor would normally pick up on it.

But it's not just the bawdy stuff I love. It's the clever throw-away lines and the chronically taken-out-of-context quotes that I've highlighted throughout my Complete Works that I feel could be useful in everyday conversation. Enjoy!

"I like this place, And willingly could waste my time in it."
--Celia, "As You Like It," Act II, Sc. IV

"You do assist the storm."
--Boatswain, "The Tempest," Act I, Sc. I

"In nature, there's no blemish but the mind; None can be call'd deform'd but the unkind."
--Antonio, "Twelfth Night," Act III, Sc. IV

"Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall..."
--Escalus, "Measure for Measure," Act II, Sc. I

"Scratching could not make it worse and 'twere such a face as yours were."
--Beatrice, "Much Ado About Nothing, Act I, Sc. I

"This is the fruit of rashness!"
--Gloster, "King Richard III," Act II, Sc. II

"He that loves to be flattered is worthy of the flatterer."
--Apemantus, "Timon of Athens," Act I, Sc. I

"For defect of judgment Is oft the cure of fear." 
--Belarius, "Cymbeline," Act. IV, Sc. II

"O, pardon me; For when no friends are by, men praise themselves."
--Lucius, "Titus Andronicus," Act V, Sc. III

"Where's hourly trouble for a minute's ease."
--Helicanus, "Pericles, Prince of Tyre," Act II, Sc. IV

"No sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir; but I do bite my thumb, sir."
--Sampson, "Romeo and Juliet," Act. I, Sc. I

"Most spend their mouths when what they seem Runs far before them."
--Dauphin, "King Henry V," Act II, Sc. IV

"Unquiet meals make ill digestions."
--Abbess, "The Comedy of Errors," Act V, Sc. I

"More matter with less art."
--Queen, "Hamlet," Act II, Sc. II

"Trifles light as air Are to the jealous confirmation strong As proofs of holy writ."
--Iago, "Othello," Act III, Sc. III

"...didst thou ever hear that things ill got had ever bad success?"
--King Henry VI, "3 King Henry VI," Act II, Sc. II

"'Tis no sin for a man to labour in his vocation."
--Falstaff, "1 King Henry IV," Act I, Sc. II

Fear no more the heat o' the sun

Imogen's long-lost bros obviously haven't seen a lady in a long while.

Who the hell is Cymbeline? He's a curmudgeonly old king of Britain with an ice queen of a wife, and he soooo doesn't deserve first billing, much less the titular role of one of Shakespeare's most tragically underrated plays. It's his whip-smart nerd of a daughter, Imogen, who carries this story of forbidden love, betrayal, long lost family, and yet more cross-dressing.

Imogen is probably my favorite female character in all the plays. She's headstrong and beautiful, clever and sharp, and she tends to fall asleep in bed while reading. She's an outspoken geek girl of her time and she holds her own amongst all the confused men in her life.

The detailed and pretzel-like plot in no way diminishes the play's enjoyability, but I take no joy in trying to sum it up within the confines of a pithy blog post. For this speech, this is all one needs to know:

Against her father's will, Imogen elopes with the love of her life, the oddly-named Posthumus (which is semi-prophetical, since Imogen only gets to be with him after she "dies") instead of marrying her evil step-mother's clotpole of a son, Cloten. Posthumous runs off to Rome to escape Cymbeline's wary eye. Imogen is locked up by her parents, but when she gets a fake letter telling her that her husband is in Milford-Haven, she resolves to sneak out, dress as a boy named Fidele, and find him. She meets two young men--Guderius (aka Polydore) and Arviragus (aka Cadwal) who are actually her missing brothers, but the trio are none the wiser. Imogen takes a potion to cure her ills, but she pulls a Juliet and she appears to be dead, and her brothers weep over the loss of their lovable new adopted sibling. 

Over her "dead" body, Imogen's brothers sing this obsequy, which is one of the most beautiful and touching pieces of poetry in all of Shakespeare. I'd be honoured to have this read at my funeral, FYI.

Cymbeline, Act IV, Sc. II
GUIDERIUS: Fear no more the heat o' the sun, 
Nor the furious winter's rages;
Thou thy worldly task hast done, 
Home art gone, and ta'en thy wages;
Golden lads and girls all must,
As chimney-sweepers, come to dust. 
ARVIRAGUS: Fear no more the frown o' the great, 
Thou art past the tyrant's stroke:
Care no more to clothe and eat;
To thee the reed is as the oak:
The sceptre, learning, physic, must 
All follow this, and come to dust. 
Gui. Fear no more the lightning-flash, 
Arv. Nor the all-dreaded thunder-stone;
Gui. Fear not slander, censure rash; 
Arv. Thou hast finished joy and moan;
Both. All lovers young, all lovers must
Consign to thee, and come to dust. 
Gui. No exerciser harm thee! 
Arv. Nor no witchcraft charm thee! 
Gui. Ghost unlaid forbear thee! 
Arv. Nothing ill come near thee! 
Both. Quiet consummation have; 
And renowned be thy grave!